SOUTHERNERS SPORTS CLUB

I know you normally leave this part to last but I would just like to start by saying a huge thank-you to the two guys who made this tour possible, Major Bob(demoted due to kit failure) and Darrel, but in particular Bob(especially as it was probably Bob’s last tour with The Southerners).
It is often a thankless task and these guys are always there getting us to games on time (most of) and making sure we know what the hell is going on.
Cheers Guys!

Right…. On with the tour

Two groups of Southerners set off on Friday to play in the Phuket 10’s, one group took the early flight which left in the afternoon, the other left in the evening.
I shall now begin the story of carnage and chaos and of how we actually played some pretty awesome rugby and smashed our arch rivals (the Bangers and The British Club).

We start this tour off from the airport and having only been there for half an hour we encounter our first problem.
Belly (one of only a few Southerners who actually brings sun block along) had his confiscated by airport security. This decision proved to have a huge impact on the condition of our skin in the days to come.

So we finally get on the plane looking forward to getting on the piss and for the flight to be over ASAP (for one specific individual who shall remain nameless). We land at Phuket International airport knowing that it should be hassle free because everyone knows NOT to have checked in their bags, so we should be able to go straight through to where the vans are and be on our merry way, well… not everyone. There is always one clown who has to slow us down (Hooey!).

Hooey checked in his bloody bag because he had some sort of perfume which he did not want confiscated, however, we later discovered it could have been carried on as hand luggage anyway because it was under 100ml!
This delay cut into some serious drinking so we made a note for Hooey to be heavily fined later on.

Once we get to the hotel, we drop our bags off and then head straight to the Aussie bar where we meet up with the rest of the team and see some familiar faces (Sultan, Kris and Churchy) and some new ones ( Nathan and Mike).They were all on the earlier flight and had been drinking for several hours already!
We had a lot of drinking to catch up on and after drinking there for a couple of hours we slowly split up into smaller groups and descend upon the bars like white on rice.
Now I don’t what the hell these 3 guys were thinking of (Ritchie, Belly and Toby) but is was certainly entertaining watching them attempt to sing?

Belly, Toby and Ritchie ended up in a random live music bar that night entertaining patrons (or slowly destroying their ear drums), by shouting backup vocals of the cover-band’s Lionel Ritchie 1981 classic ‘Endless love’, with Ritchie and Toby nearly knocking over the fish tank in the process.
This sort of behavior carried on through the night until it was finally time to head back to the hotel for some shut eye.

Thank god our first game was at 10 am on Saturday as everyone got back about 4 in the morning and were not exactly alert. However, one individual took it to the next level and didn’t even return to the hotel. (Dangerous) Brian stayed out the whole night playing pool (!) in some small, dirty bar and got back just in time for the bus to leave for our first match on Saturday.

We had hoped to have a warm up before we played but that idea gradually faded as we walked from the van to the pitch.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank our new sponsor’s VB for providing us with excellent new playing shirts which were used for the first time and Pure Blonde beer for contributing.
We had several teams comment on how good they looked and wanted to purchase some shirts for themselves as well.
Also, thanks again to JP and Crown Relocations for their continuing support, we are all very grateful.

Our first match on Saturday was against the defending Champions (Kukri Badgers), the team we had forfeited a match to last year to go and watch the Super 14 Finals. I think it was no coincidence that the organizers had arranged for them to be our fist opponents.

We played average and lost but we still had plenty left in the tank and won our other 2 groups games against our old enemies (The British Club) 17 – 0 and a new team (The Bucks), 15-0.
While playing against the Bucks, the ref seemed to take a dis-liking to Major Bob and sent him off for 3 minutes to the sin bin, but we stood firm and didn’t concede any tries.
We always seem to play the BC and we played some good attacking rugby and scored some lovely tries and our defense was fantastic to keep a clean sheet in both games, this also secured our place in the plate competition.

The temperature soared as we got into the afternoon on Saturday, in the stadium it was like being trapped in a huge oven. Belly managed to find a ‘Batcave’ which had an AC in it (smart) to relax in, the rest of us just cooked outside and had several layers of skin burned off in the process.
Poor Brian could hardly stay awake after a night of no sleep, so about half-way through the day, Tim took Brian back to the hotel for some much needed rest.
Soon after Brian gets back we get a call saying he can’t find his wallet anywhere, inside were his cards and 6000Bt cash. We looked everywhere but could not find it (sorry mate).
Also Bob’s mate’s (Mike) had his bag stolen which included a laptop, passport and other stuff( that was really harsh man!)
Hooey (sorry to pick on you again) would also lose his dignity when we went out later that night.

After an enjoyable day of playing and watching rugby we then went back to the hotel and organized the fine session at the swimming pool ( AND THERE WERE PLENTY OF FINES TO GO AROUND!).
It was quite worrying when I look back now because I don’t remember anyone going for a piss and the water temperature seemed to be getting warmer plus there was a strange aroma in the air…. weird.
We had our usual anthem singing, from Canada to New Zealand , although I don’t know what Nathan was singing ‘coze it sure as hell wasn’t the Canadian anthem!
Laurent was fined for being the only French man as well and Hooey again for being useless in general.

After the fine session we headed off to the Scruffy Irishman for a feed, some beers and to watch The Lions play.

We stayed in the pub for a couple of hours then all of us marched on to several dodgy outside bars where Hooey and Munn started doing some pole dancing which then kinda turned into a competition of who was the best. Munn stripped down to his boxers and managed to find a giant wooden penis and proceeded to prance around flashing the monster on stage, while Hooey danced on the opposite side trying to impress the ladies with his Michael Jackson/Justin Timberlake dance moves…
Obliviously the girls were not impressed so we slowly dragged ourselves to another club. Nathan at this point was so wasted, he was not able to walk (soft!) and was being carried around by his lovely girlfriend Sarah.

On to Sunday and our fist game was against another team we were familiar with, The Pot Bellied Pigs. Despite their name, they can be quite a useful side on their day.
This time we more focused and we were ruthless in our execution and passing of the ball, Hooey scored 2 lovely tries and we upped our level of intensity, we won convincingly 24-5.

At 13:00hrs was our next game, we were into the plate quarter finals. It was gonna be real bone cruncher/back breaker of a game because we were going to play the Bangers who have a nasty habit of beating us in recent history.
So we all really wanted to prove a point and smash them into the ground, and to be honest that’s exactly but we did.
I can’t remember the last time we actually managed to stop a Bangers team from scoring a try. Our forwards really fronted and tackled ferociously and were also up against a bigger Bangers pack. Guys like Toby, Ritchie and Belly really giving everything they had to make sure the scrums held so our backs got good ball to work with.
In the backs everyone played their part. Hooey, Will and Joe were immense and ran great lines to then link up well to score the first of two tries.
The Bangers threw everything at us but we just stood our ground and forced them back until they made unforced errors, final score 12-0. The defense I witnessed reminded me of when Scotland beat England in the Calcutta Cup 3 years ago…. Awesome!

We had a short break of about 20 minutes then onto the semi finals where we lost in a close fought game against the Flying Muppets. We could have beaten them but a few decisions went against us and the score at the end of the day was 12-5.

However, there was something good to come out of losing, we were able to chill out and relax at the beach.
Everyone needed to have a rest so it was great to have a few beers and go for a swim. This is where about half of us then departed to go to the airport. We said our farewells to everybody and off we went.

All in all, I think the tour was great success and the only tour that I have been on where I was a supporter instead of playing.

Calum “I look like a pirate” Stevenson

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Dark, unseen forces were at work during the Southerners’ 2009 assault on the Pattaya 10’s Tournament.

Some suspected the Russian Mafia; others, the floating ‘Bermuda triangle’ of Horseshoe Point or Jap snipers. Regardless, several of the great men of the Southerners were struck down by forces unknown on what was an epic weekend…

VICTIM NUMBER 1 – Belly.
With the swiftness of a tempered oriental blade, Belly was struck down by what sideline commentators described as “an outrageous display of how not to tackle”. In subsequent slow-motion replays, it was not the impact of hip on head that most assumed was the causative factor, but a dark shadow that flashed in and out of frame, felling the young man.

VICTIM NUMBER 2 – Calum.
In what was a double-blow to both his chiseled good looks and general skeletal integrity, Calum was involved in a clash that left him with a minging facial cut and broken collar bone on an angle that only a Ramkhamhaeng maths teacher could admire. Conspiracy theorists contend it was all an elaborate plan to get some hot nurse-on-nurse-on-Calum action later at the hospital.

VICTIM NUMBER 3 – The Hatton-Pacquiao fight.
With Manny Pacquiao smashing Ricky Hatton in the 2nd for the IBO welterweight title – the Southerners, true to form, struggled to find a TV at the adjoining resort, were late and missed the fight. The highlights were terrific though.

VICTIM NUMBER 4 – Rob.
That bloody calf muscle. Busted himself within the first couple of games of the tournament.

VICTIM NUMBER 5 – Bell Jr.
Was it his boyish youth, or something more sinister? Either way, Bell Jr required a nap midway through the Saturday evening, some say after a drawn-out conversation with Hooey, in a bar which certainly did not lack in sensory enjoyment.

VICTIM NUMBER 6 – Hi-ho Silver.
The mirrors of the aptly named ‘Beavers’ establishment positively entranced young hi-ho on the Saturday night. Last spotted with mouth agape, eyes fixed and salivating. Surely there’s got to be some form of inoculation for this…

VICTIM NUMBER 7 – GBanger.
Perhaps it was the quaint crimson velour couches, perhaps it was something darker…like Bell Jr, Glovebox was struck into a deep sleep (albeit with his eyes half open), clearly unamused by the nocturnal Russian culture seminar many of the tour party undertook late in the evening.

VICTIM NUMBER 8 – Hooey’s self-respect. Again.
Was Hooey really playing air guitar / air back-up vocals / air back-up dancer; naked in his hotel room late on Saturday night?

VICTIM NUMBER 9 – Jean.
Extricated on the Sunday afternoon with the stealth and precision of a Martial-arts master, Jean reportedly flew back to Middle East less his supply of liquid speed. Others say he was abducted by group of gypsy bandits.

VICTIM NUMBER 10 – Belly. Again.
It wasn’t an agile 12 year old French girl that stepped outside Belly in the Sunday touch ‘exhibition’ match. It was a cloaked ninja.

VICTIM NUMBER 11 – Skin.
They say singlet tans will be the next big thing on show for Milan Autumn ’09. The super-shielding forces of the singlet were well on show, the perfect complement to the new Southerners sponsorship from VB – thanks to B-Rad for his supreme admin and fashion acumen.

VICTIM NUMBER 12 – Democracy.
Thankfully the dark forces managed to keep any local elections and subsequent decrees for a dry-city away from Pattaya this year, meaning the Southerners were able to get out on the cans; not watch HBO and raid their minibar, as featured last year.

VICTIM NUMBER 13 – Results.
Whilst we know we lost out in the semi-final, specific game results and try-scorers for the weekend were tragically lost.

Several Southerners managed to evade the dark forces of evil rampant throughout the weekend:
• Laurent fought off his supernatural gothic French urges, keeping punching to a clear minimum at the tournament.
• Old man Steel, the fearlessly sea-faring, mutinous mass of a man showed he’s still a force unto himself, with his first touch of the weekend resulting in a try, seconds after running on.
• Baron flew into rucks with the same ferocity his namesake would have flown into a dogfight over 90 years earlier. No major scars this time though.
• Gearing played probably his best tournament for the Southerners yet, smashing anything that moved, scoring a couple of pies, and having a hand in some excellent team plays.
• Wazza managed not to get photographed and placed into the social pages of any newspapers or foreign chambers of commerce magazines.
• Cheers as well to the supporters who made the trip down to Pattaya to stir us to greater things.

Steve “Airlift me, I have insurance” Bell

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Finishing work on Friday afternoon, the prospect of copious amounts of alcohol and a 12 hour train journey was becoming even more attractive by the minute. While the ‘hardcore’ tourists among us boarded the train, a few not so hardcore (namely Darrel & Ritchie) were on a plane on their way to Laos attempting to take the Thai Barbarians’ captain out for an introduction to the J-Lo (the drink, not the former Southerner), thus destroying his tournament. They failed – he was player of the tournament!

With all tourists aboard the train we headed for the bar carriage which was subsequently turned into the Southerners party carriage, with Hooey showing the boys he had a special ‘love’ for old men and Sod acquiring the nickname of Kang Bang. His mother would be so proud. At pretty much 10pm we were made aware that the bar would be closing, so as disgruntled tourists we made our way back to our beds. Despite Calum’s pathetic attempt (and subsequent failure) to save our remaining beers from being poured down the toilet, drinking continued courtesy of Churchy who had boarded the train with a bag of beer. However, that was quickly finished and he brought to our attention the recent phone call with Calum in which he asked if we needed any more beer, to which Calum replied “No, we have plenty”. Useless.

Nevertheless, the merrymaking went on with Brian wasting the rationed beer that we had left by spilling it, leaving the newly nick-named Lego drenched. The rationing of beer prompted Brian to crack open a bottle of vodka which was finished in a beach ‘ice’ bucket style fashion several hours later. Last note on the train journey is a quote from Toby while up to his drunken antics� “WTF – Gerry is sleeping with his eyes open!”

We arrived in Nong Khai with Glovebox organising a group of hung over tourists to “get on the tuk tuks quickly we need to make the border first”. In an attempt to speed up this process, Brian and Belly decided to play Tuk Tuk Rugby only with Brian trying to pass the ball to the tuk tuk in front with great disappointment. Attempts to retrieve the ball almost resulted in Gerry getting “MOTOR’D”

Queuing up to go through Thai immigration Toby (Ginger) and Hooey (Asian celebrity) decided it would be a laugh to attempt to get through by swapping passports. Hooey successfully made it, but Toby became stuck as Hooey had spent too long gazing at his topless body in the mirror when he should have been getting his documents sorted. So much for getting through the border quickly and making at least our second game! All was not lost though as we attempted to introduce other border crossers to the joy of rugby.

All tourists successfully made it into Laos some 45 minutes later and made it onto our transport heading to the tournament only to be interrupted by a phone call. It was Calum who had been left behind at the border. Whilst at traffic lights a Beer Lao truck pulled up, without any hesitation an alcohol fuelled Englishman who goes by the name of Tobias decided to climb up and almost over to steal “Only one bottle. There are thousands. They won’t notice”. Driving past dozens of bread sellers we thought it was only fair to make Laurent feel at home and buy some baguettes. Yielding our weapons we finally arrived at the stadium.

With our first two matches forfeited, our first drunken game was against Vientiane Baby Hogs on a pitch that can only be described as a dusty hole. An unconvincing win, but a win none the less, saw Richie don a dashing graze on his forehead. Our second game and last game of the day was against Khon Kaen University. From the kick off, the Southerners took control with good passing and running by Sod and Hooey and hard hits from Brian, Belly and Churchy allowing us to dominate the game with a convincing win.

It was off to the Hotel with all of our cuts and grazes in tow (and Calum this time) to attempt to remove all of the Lao dust from areas you didn’t think it was possible to reach, shower and for one Danish yellow toy look-alike, blow-dry hair. We located a suitable bar ideally situated on the banks of the Mekong and the fines session began. Toby (first time tourist) and Spud/Lego, (baby of the group and first time tourist) were nominated beer bitches, each donning a beer bitch head band. Once the court had finished, the now traditional anthem singing too place, including a chart topping performance of the Japanese “Kimi ga Yo” (???) by Kitah, Teru and Teru’s wife (who was as much a part of the fine session as anyone). To top it off, we had a passionate Lao national anthem sung to us by two eight year old boys. It seemed Hooey had been taken the first victim of Beer Lao, as he shamelessly lay on a child’s mattress with a puppy, singing to himself.

A few more bars later and Belly riding high upon the roof of a Tuk Tuk, we announced our arrival to the local ex-pat community with a press up competition to show the rest of the crowd what the Southerners were made of. This particular antic almost resulted in a swift dismissal from the bar and prompted Hooey to once again show his love for men over the age of 55, particularly those who utter the words “I’m Lao and I’m Offended”.

Waking up in the morning with the prospect of more drunken rugby to come was a daunting affair. Again we arrived at the dusty pitch late and dragged our drunken selves through Issan Universities for the win. The less said about that one the better though.

Next up were the Vientiane Buffalos and we had to sober up and challenge these boys. With Hooey and Richie smashing the ‘French clown’ and Brian and Belly making some good breaks through the oxymoronic French resistance, Glovebox, along with a few others, scored a try (my distinct lack of memory doesn’t help). We dominated the game and gained an impressive victory. Our third game of the day was against the Thai Barbarians, an extremely fit and quick side. A good kick off from Hooey allowed the Southerners to dominate from the off with Lego motoring up the pitch, catching the ball and following it with a string of passes that resulted in our first try. This seemed to shock the BaaBaas and besides the one try they scored in response to the Southerners’ three, they never really looked like troubling the Southerners for the rest of the game.

With an unbeaten run (but two forfeits) under our belt, we made it to the plate final against the Vientiane Wild Hogs. Full of confidence the Southerners headed out onto the pitch for a final game and the prospect of silverware. After Bob having a “We really are not bothered mate” discussion with a Wild Hogs Fan on the fact we really weren’t bothered about having uncontested scrums the Southerners looked to march on. The Wild Hogs really brought the game to us. This shook us up and we really had to step up our game to grind out two hard fought tries and win the Plate Final 12-0.

Everyone really stepped up to the occasion and had a contribution to a great tour, so a big thanks to Gerry, Brian and Darrel for enabling the tour to take place and to Bob for the unenviable task of running admin at the tournament itself. Also, Darrel’s maid has asked me to pass on his thanks to us all for not encouraging him too hard to get his backside off a chair all weekend. Cheers boys and bring on the next one!!!

Spud (a.k.a. Lego, a.k.a. Kirsty)

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It had been a bonanza of a week, with a hard-fought TRU semi final played on the Thursday, the Southerners club ball on the Friday and then Saturday night shenanigans over a few beers watching NZ smash England and Wales edge past Australia. Sunday came around and most blokes were wondering if their vital signs were in order.

A dry Patana pitch greeted a squad of seventeen million Bangers players and 11 Southerners. Injuries and the weekend’s activities had obviously taken their toll, so much so that at the end of the match, there weren’t enough fit Southerners available to get through the two slabs of post-match cans – a travesty of regal proportions.

The Bangers kept with the spirit of expat rugby by donating four of their players, including Canada’s second-most capped prop Eddie Evans and a trio of ball-tearing young blokes – all players put in a valuable performance against their mates – well appreciated from the rest of the Southerners crew.

The game started off as competitively as two single farang chicks at a Bangkok speed-dating night.

Both sides pushed hard for field position and pressure, eventually resulting in a few penalties kicked, ours by Hooey. After some consistent team pressure with pick and drives on the Bangers’ line, Belly managed to get underneath a couple of defenders to score, with Hooey’s conversion bringing an added boost to the 10-6 scoreline.

We found ourselves defending for most of the rest of the first half, with the Bangers continued their hard-running pick and drive assault – a strategy earning them a try just before half time.

Skinny admirably put his body on the line time and time again to pull off some cracking tackles. His chat about the park also got the team well organized and confident.

The second half began much as the first, with field position and kicking being the order of the day. The Bangers got good continuity with their pick and drives as we enjoyed a shitload of tackling and counter-rucking.

Twenty minutes in, Hooey’s male-modeling career came to a crashing, splitting halt. Ritchie and Hooey were both darting back to retrieve a loose ball when Ritchie’s skull intervened, leaving Hooey’s right eyebrow 17 stitches worse for wear.

According to the Southerners’ venerable military historian Bob Ball, 18th century women of the Napoleonic era once found men with large sabre-like cuts to their body innately alluring and that such marks were measures of one’s character and bravery. In the 21st century, we’re sure this translates into “chicks dig scars”, so all can’t be too bad for Hooey.

The set pieces also came under a fair amount of pressure throughout the match. In the scrum, a large Bangers pack were at times split, popped and pushed back, however they were more consistent, putting lashings of pressure on our backline. Props Laurent, Brian and Sultan still did a terrific job against a well-skilled and experienced pack. The lineouts were a bit wayward though, with Belly’s throws resembling those from a one-armed retarded Cambodian bargirl.

Hooey’s absence and the team’s exhaustion with just two subs available started to take effect in the final 15 minutes, helping the Bangers run away with three additional tries. Up until that point, we were able to get ourselves out of trouble through Hooey’s talented boot in general play and some barnstorming runs by Ritchie, Brian and Nick.

Despite being unable to play, Gearing ensured the sideline was well stocked with words of encouragement…the big man was clearly energized after some Crepes & Cuddles with his girlfriend at Crepes & Co Café prior to the match. Ten points as well for his rockstar silver aviators.

Steve ‘Belly’ Bell

Last Game

Jac Wardrope

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Remembrance Sunday saw Southerners take on Kasetsart Old Boys in the final round of games in the 2008 TRU pool. The southerners support was minimal consisting of the few substitutes, spuds Mum and his missus.

It was indeed a memorable game (for most) for a back to full strength southerner’s outfit that had benefited from a strong team training session earlier in the week. The domination began after a few short minutes when the university back line was savaged in the tackle by the southerners back row pairing of Toby and Ritchie (or pinky and perkins as they have now been affectionately named). The ball popped loose and the opportunistic mustachioed lock, Pape, was on hand to scoop up the loose ball and drop over the line for the first score. Here began a calamitous afternoon of goal kicking with one silver lining.

The ensuing forward domination led to a typical barnstorming drive and break by the Spud, who powered over the line for the second score of the game. A couple of near tries followed accompanied some great breaks from Will and Dave Church and great tackles from the likes of Gearing and the Skindog who continued in the same vein throughout the afternoon.

More forwards tries were added by Perkins and “The thing” following good work at the base of the ruck by Sod before the backs got involved via the slick hands of late arrival Reed “pass less” Passmore who combined with the sprightly Church to go in under the sticks a rare conversion was added and the southerners went in at the break with a commanding lead.

Minor Biffo only briefly marred the play as Passmore ensured the ref that if he had in fact kneed the opposition number 10 as indicated by the touch judge, said player would not have been able to continue into the second stanza.

The second half began well for the southerners with a shift in emphasis from forwards ground and pound, to backs play as the game became more open. Tries were added by Passmore, and Church and the southerners began to relax and collapse respectively. A couple of choice kicks from the opposition flyhalf were fluffed by members of the southerners back three whom up until this point in proceedings had been relatively untroubled. Noise levels increased as the southerners conceded two tries in quick succession and the opposition rallied. Calm was quickly restored by skipper Perkins after coming round from a 30 minute “absence” after a first half clash of heads aided by fullback Callum stopping the third and final breakaway with a great one on one tackle.

Injuries began to hit the southerners seeing Toby leaving the field with a minor back problem. Subs had time to adjust to their new positions and the status quo returned. Passmore powered in for a try down the right touchline promptly followed by the goal kicking silver lining mentioned earlier as Pape stroked home with aplomb with a field goal that would have graced Twickenham. Moments later the forwards won great lineout ball yet again and from the ensuing maul hooker Nick Klein (who had been outstanding all game) got in for the final score. A game well won for the boys.

Adam Pape

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