Report: Cone San Road Torr Slash Muff-Show dot com 2005

Lead-up: Boys were nervous. Some didn't show. Dress code adhered to well. Good crowd.

Mid Way: Smooth sailing. One man cotched already. Good following of groupies. No one arrested. Everyone slowly breaking. Bugs eaten. Kitty proving a winner.

Outcome: Great night which descended into chaos as the torr became leaderless, Chang and Sangsom took their toll and soi 1 bore the brunt. Boys happy, locals relieved, girls off the hook.

Guys, what a night. The Southerners annual Khao San road tour proved yet again to be a highlight on the social calendar in Bangkok. It was very well attended and the spirit in which the lads and lasses took part was exceptional.

The whole debacle started at Livingstone's at 7am where we warmed up. Jones turned up in his girlfriend's technicolour skin tight top which made some sick and hypnotized others. The rules were read, kitty sorted and we made our way for to the sky train and National Stadium. The trip proved uneventful this year since no-one was pushed onto the tracks prompting the emergency stoppage of trains. In true backpacker style we tuk tuked it to Cone San in convoy and first stop was The Hole in the Wall, a veritable Cone San institution. Resembling a Beirut bomb shelter from the 90's, this spectacularly dingy 'bar' saw the introduction of Sangsom fines. Charges were called and fines administered with one unlucky reveler experiencing his come back out his nose. The rest of that stop had him in the bathroom cotching and snorting water in a desperate attempt to flush out the burning spirit. He was fined again for this...

Following 'The Hole' we managed to impose ourselves on a few different bars where we managed to pick up some groupies, fine people, eat bugs and generally be loud and obnoxious. Eventually we stumbled up into an Irish bar where highlights included Ultan harassing various birds and scaring everyone with his hat, Ron spading some chicks in the corner and impressing them with stories of his work saving the unique freshwater dolphin species of the lower Mekhong - until he realised they knew something about that and asked him to reflect on the state of the erosion caused by recent flooding and it's effect on the dolphins. Ron then left. James and Fred were seen trying kiss later on - or so the photos would have us believe - and everyone else was generally acting drunk and trying to pick up girls. Except for Wagga who wondered off for an early night and has since copped it for rendering the torrr leaderless...

That's all from me guys since I left early and was too drunk to remember much else anyway...


Southerners Innaugural Family Race Day – March 2005

Nothing holds much more promise than a day at the races - money to win, beers to drink, people to see and horses to watch. Similarly…promise over-flows when one considers a Southerners Sports Club event. So to combine the two can result in something monumental, and on this fortuitous day in March the two combined spectacularly. ‘Sensational stuff’ is how one oke described it. Indeed…
In true Southerners spirit and the interests of the single men; wives, girlfriends, friends of girlfriends, and an eclectic assortment of Bangkok’s expat community were all invited. They came one and all. A family day at its best with children in tow and grandparents leading the drinking charge - JD and Margo. The weather also came and exacted a telling toll. This was not for the faint hearted.

And so it was…
Location: Royal Bangkok Sports Club, Nung Lern
Theme: Hat
Conditions:
Temp: Hot, real hot.
Humidity: 120%.
Breeze: Not a breath
First Race: 12.20pm
Last Race: 5.40pm
Stand: The terraces.
Local Crowd: Men: 99.9%.
Women .05%.
Stray Dogs .05%
Beers: Cold n’cheap
Danger Level :High
Hydration: Low
Likely Result: Broken

Given the task ahead it was deemed unwise to go in unprepared. A clever rendezvous was arranged at Gullivers on Khao San road for 11am to settle the nerves and plan our assault. A few cold ones later, introductions, a giggle at everyone’s hat, and some boring diatribe from the racing ‘experts’, and the winsome crowd made their way to the track.
Flemington, Royal Ascot, or Happy Valley, Nung Lern is not. This is not a place you go to ‘be seen’. There are no lovelies in their see-through summer dresses (well not until the Southerners girls arrived), or dapper men in suits (until James turned up), or fancy bars serving European beer and unpronounceable food. This is real racing where old Chinese men with binoculars and scribbled-on race guides come to stand on concrete terraces and bet on the horse arranged to win that race. I mean pick a winner… And there ain’t a thoroughbred to be seen. Win and place bets only keep it simple and an English race guide helps those while they can still see.
And so the day begins. The first bead of sweat drips off Jacques nose, Jones & Dick Moron form a syndicate, Gareth goes hard early, and the women take the strain. JD buys the Singha beers and it’s on. Ice comes thick and fast but it’s not enough. The day heats up. Someone saw a water but it was a mirage. Make-up runs and no one cares. Hats are soaked and put back on. Bets are placed and a few winners emerge, Karen is in there.
The smarter crowd heads off for some Khao Mun Gai or Kwai Teow but the real punters stay behind. There’re form guides to study and beers to drink. While the horses sit in the barriers for 20 minutes and the jockeys presumably try to remember who’s supposed to win, we wait for the green light flashing tickets in hand. It’s an idle moment and attention naturally turns to the hats. The full spectrum is represented here, from Wagga’s Arab headdress to Scoop’s grandmother’s tea cosy, we look a treat. There’s the girls with their boa-decorated summer hats, Jones regal in the Burger King crown, JD with his conical Vietnamese rice farming shade and Justa in his trademark clown hat. Your basic milliner’s nightmare.
The day carries on and typical of Southerner’s mores, everyone has a great day. Highlights were the beer and racing, and the hats of course, but also the new comers representing Jabulani, AIT and the teaching frat - there to sample some of our hospitality.
At this point everyone’s pretty jolly and typical of every weekend night for some; don’t know when to call it a day. So it’s on to the Dubliner. Symptoms of sunstroke and sever dehydration start to become apparent to most. A group drip is suggested but dismissed. More beer is drunk. The evening starts to go in super-slow mode until two clowns start to wrestle in the ‘Battle of the Boa’ and liven things up. But that’s another story…

Conclusion : Top day

Lessons : Take a drip next year

Result : Now a fixture on the BKK social calendar; ranked 33^rd in Conde Naste ‘100things to do before you die’; voted ‘Most Fun Foreigners’ by the Royal Bangkok Turf Club social committee; and soon to form it’s own Chamber of Commerce.

-Southerners Social Committee