So here’s the report you have all been waiting for about Southerners’ tour in Macau. The team of eight traveled to Macau on Friday 6 July 2007 and returned on Monday 9 July. On tour were Andrew Spedding – the sleeper under the influence, Gary Chatfield – the farang Jatukarm collector, Walter Persaud – the mini x-factor, Tony Tree – the man with a hole in the head, James Moss – the patient compiler of low scores, Peter Goodchap – the perfume distributor, JP- the irrepressible impersonator, and Vaughan McClear – not yet off the mark.

On Saturday and Sunday, we played four matches, won one and lost three. ‘Lost’ and ‘won’ need to be contextualized. In the plate semi-final, we managed to get pulverized and earn the dubious distinction of compiling the lowest score of the tournament, a measly 40 in reply to Shenzen Commonwealth’s unimpressive 59 with plenty of extras.

Interestingly, just a few hours earlier, the boys had given a demo of just how miserable things could be for the other teams if the sights and sights (no sounds in Macau) of Macau were not so enticing, racking up the highest team score of the tournament, a mammoth 103 for the loss of two wickets. Openers Gary Chatfield and Peter Goodchap left the unfortunate opposition, The Brickbats, shell-shocked with a wonderful exhibition of power hitting. Later the Brickbats wicketkeeper confided that he didn’t mind the big sixes, but there was just too many of them from both batsmen. The poor chap seemed ready to pack it in by the third over, even before they had had a chance to bat. Both batsmen retired on 30 before TTree had a go at them with a brisk 21 not out. The one bright spot for the Brickbats was that Southerners’ patient runs compiler compiled a quick fire duck following the blasts from the perfume distributor, Pete, and Gary.

In the other two games played on Saturday, southerners lost by a slim margin to Old Taipa Tavern and then more substantially to Rabbi’s Elephant. In the latter game, Chatfiled score a brisk 29 before things fell apart. Special mention must be made of the two beamers with which the Moose opened the Southerners’ bowling attack.

Seeing that the Southerners were not doing well on the filed, JP decided to make a mark off the field. This irrepressible impersonator donned his Elvis suit and performed to rapturous applause. By the time he was finished, he had men, yes, men lining up for photographs and autographs. Emma rightfully got worried and shooed them off her husband. Later that night while JP was sleeping she set fire to the suit. No more hanky-panky for him!!

If Southerners were outplayed on the field in the day, it was a different affair at night. When Friday night’s frolicking ended at dawn on Saturday, Speddo had forgotten where and even who he was, Pete had raided a couple of casinos, Gary – yes the Jatukarm collector, had left the good company of friends, only to be seen later idly wandering the pavement for a couple of hours in the wee hours of the morning before being rescued.

The mayhem continued on Saturday night as TTree managed to put a hole in his head as he entered the taxi, Spedding not very consciously felt the ‘caressing’ hands on his face from a Columbian young lady on the account of some alleged misdeed by the perfume distributor Pete, the x-factor Walter suffered a sudden alcohol deficiency syndrome and polished off 3 beers to make up for the past 2 years of his low alcohol blood count.

The final evening was nicely arranged by Emma at a wonderful Portuguese restaurant before the perfume distributor decided that we had had enough and sent everyone scurrying off to the casinos. ‘Sands’ of Las Vegas was the chosen venue and what a place it was!

All in all, this is one cricket tour for which the word ‘cricket’ will have to be seriously stretched. It was fun and I am sure cricket would fit somewhere in there.

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