Despite the Southerners going down in the semi-final of the Pattaya 10s Cup (top tier) last weekend, the club still notched up one of the great club tours. New Southerner Mikey “Mullet” Ferraris has more…
Saturday morning’s bus departure was delayed due to Brett generally being useless, with the vans waiting 30mins before we found out he had instead decided to travel privately with his boyfriends Sod and Lord.
Thankfully all made it to Horseshoe Point, a decent pitch in Thailand, with everyone mentally and emotionally preparing themselves for the upcoming fixtures. I was deeply touched (not the kind Bang does to himself) when Mr Perkins (Peter De Villiers) handed me my first ever Southerners tour singlet, rendering me a true Southerner with my matching mullet haircut.
However, Lucky Mkhize outdid all with his outstanding replication of Mr T – random pisscats were shouting “I pity the fool” every time Lucky (Mr T) got the ball or smashed someone in a tackle…“I’m teaching fools some basic rules”.
We were also joined by a troupe of Southerners netballers and friends who had made the trip down to see a bunch of Southerners athletes sweat and do their thing. With the girls resplendent in two-toned singlets, the boys couldn’t help but feel an extra shot of testosterone.
Southerners vs Bangkok University
While a bit rusty, we overcame Bangkok University after sticking to our plan to spread the ball wide. It was a special game for debutants Tim (Men’s Health Model of the Year) and myself, as we both scored in our first games wearing the Southerner’s colours. Mr T also scored after picking up a loose ball. Someone else also scored but no one knows who. I’m going to award it to Callum.
Final score: 26 – 0
Southerners vs Bangkok Japanese
It was expected that our games would increase with difficulty as the day passed by. The Japs were a tad feistier, but our defence was too strong. I would compare it to a Kamikaze pilot flying into a mountain. Lord powered through for our first try before an absurd high tackle on Brett rendered him the ‘Bleeding Kiwi’ – the pass he got from Sod was something you’d see in Greys Anatomy. In the maelstrom, Dimitri snuck over and gave us another 5 point buffer.
After the try was scored, we had strict instructions from Belly to lay the ****** ***** ***** ***** out. So we rushed up at the kick off…and then knocked the ball on. They were awarded a scrum. One play and a good tackle later, time was up and a heated battle ended. Fortunately for us, Bleeding Kiwi’s genes can be traced to Tonga, so he wasn’t shaken.
Final Score: 10 – 0
Southerners vs Thai Barbarians
The third game of the day would prove to be our toughest challenge. The Thai Barbarians are a handy team and arrived pumped. For the first time of the tournament we had our tryline breached and at half time we were 7-0 down. However, Zorbs, PDV and Coach Gearing assured us that we needed to keep our composure, stick to our game plan and it would come. Early on in the second half Lord, Mr T, myself and Dean combined well to set up the Bleeding Kiwi over the line. Lord added the conversion and we were level. Our strong character and belief definitely won us this game as the hard work up front by the forwards Tim H, Spud and Patricio made the ball available yet again and in similar fashion, the Bleeding Kiwi stormed over. Everyone was jubilant and it was a great comeback win for the Southerners.
As a unit, we were now stronger, closer and amped after the win. Just like in Remember the Titans. It was now time to get out of the 39 degree heat and into the hotel pool, where Sir Andy Steel had gathered various beverages.
Final Score: 14 – 7
Saturday night fine session
At 5pm the team assembled in the hotel pool for fines. Fine master Belly, had already made note of several heinous offences, and duly appointed myself and Men’s Health as tour beer bitches.
Tim H was fined for missing training the previous week as he was too hung over after attending a Maroon 5 concert, being fined a total of 50 CCs of Sangsom and a few atrociously-sung lines of a Maroon 5 song.
Gearing was fined for his litany of bad tour admin. Steel was fined for his wife’s Facebook status updates. Laurent was fined for being French. Dimitri was fined for drinking a can of Leo at a Southerners training session, and for not proving he’s not French. Men’s Health was fined for being the blackest man in the club, despite not being of African of Caribbean descent. Spud was fined for embarking on a 3 week tour of Thailand with two men. Kook was fined for being too fat to be a fitness instructor.
The fine session also provided several new revelations:
- The French don’t like whiskey, but do like vomiting in a pool.
- The combination of sunbed, olive oil, spray on tan and carrots produces the perfect tan (advice from Mr. Men’s Health).
- I’m awesome at breathing, drinking, sleeping, throwing shit passes, irritating Belly, loving my country, bruising, bleeding and being a cock.
Saturday night out
All dressed up ready to go, a heated debate erupted, Sir Andy Steel had a go at some of the boys for not doing things as a team (Some wanted to walk, others were going to take a truck). “Fooking Hell man, we’re a bloody team we do fings as a bloody team” a furious Sir Andy yelled out. William Wallace from Braveheart would have shat himself.
After a bit of a feed and a few brews, we sang national anthems – another Southerners tradition. All were sung with passion, pride and love for our countries, however Dimitri’s rendition of La Brabançonne was moving. Bless his soul he was banging tables, pulling fists and air punching – it was fantastic. Nothing better than seeing someone so passionate and patriotic.
Ok enough soppy shit now, it was now time to hit up Pattaya’s Titty Bars.
The squad climbed onto the back of a songtaew and there was plenty of banter and singing of songs. We had tourists taking photos of us and getting dirty looks from locals. Nothing new. After a few beers, arm wrestles and beer bongs, we made our way into the devilish Angel Witch club. In summary, the night consisted of oil, sangsom, poles, and several Southerners covered in foam.
During intermission one Southerner was reluctantly drawn from the crowd to aid entertainment. Not one to leave a cuzzie behind, another leapt from the second level, sliding down a 15ft pole to rescue his mate. Then the music and lights went off. A few of us thought we were about to box on with security, but they couldn’t help but love us.
Spud left his camera behind as a tip, and we were on to walking street to meet up with the Southerners girls.
Judging from photo evidence the morning after, everyone had an amazing time. Drinks were flowing, boys and girls were flirting and we even had Russian prostitutes judging us. “One” netball girl reportedly also went walkabout in the ocean looking for dolphins.
After doing the Nelson Mandela jive to Waka Waka on stage, Mr T went M.I.A., also managing to lose his cell phone battery, money and name at the bar. Three hours later, he ended up at the wrong hotel (where the Bangkok Bangers were staying) where some of the Bangers lads had to bail him out of an outrageous 300Bt moto taxi fair and potential night in a jail cell (cheers boys). More worryingly, rumours say he woke up naked, big-spooning Tim H.
Quarter Final – Southerners vs Pattaya Panthers
Day 2 of the Tournament saw us up against the Pattaya Panthers in a gritty match with tons of physicality and dirty play. Tim H got into a scuffle after some slapper kneed him in the head. We made sure our hits counted thereafter. After a closely contested game, and our boys sweating methane, Men’s Health finally cruised over the tryline and helped us to a narrow victory.
Final Score: 7 – 0
Semi Final – Southerners vs Royal Thai Police
We knew that this would be our most challenging game. As semi-professional players, the cops spent about 40 minutes warming up before the game started, while we slept and were generally being hung over.
The cops were an extremely well-drilled team, and had us on the back foot early on. A few missed tackles set us back and at half time we were two tries down. We were in a few good positions at times, but the ball just did not go to hand. A quality game of rugby came to an end, and so had our tournament.
Final Score: 0 – 19
In the end the cops smashed the Chang Mai Suas 28-0 in the final.
I think as a team we performed well and deserved to be in the finals. Most of all though, the tour was enjoyed by many new and old, netballers and rugby lads, with the odd bit of incestuous Southerners rugby-netball late-night loving.
Thanks to Gearing, Dee, Darryl and Richie for a cracker of a week end, as well as to Zorbs for great coaching. Also to the Netball girls for your support and for allowing Spud to have farewell cuddles.
I cannot wait for the next tour… once a Southerner always a Southerner.