Southerners Tour Report – Bangkok 10s
‘The Bangkok international 10’s descended upon the city like a looming black storm of a drunken haze and hamstring injuries. The weeks of disciplined nutrition programs, daily intensive training sessions and team bonding/gun flexing sessions at Cheap Charlie’s had all culminated to this moment, the Southerners were in prime mental and physical condition.’
As the team gathered at “HQ”, the luxurious marquee provided, there was an air of anticipation and overflowing testosterone levels as we prepared for the first game of the tournament. The first game up was against Bombay, a team from the great rugby playing nation of India. Upon hearing this news Dilli was overjoyed to be playing against his fellow countrymen.
The Bombay game was a good physical first up game, with the former colonials opting to take the ball the shortest distance to the try line with the minimum amount of passing. In a new club record it took only 10 seconds for Jean “the rage” Martial to threaten to kill one of the sub continental cow worshipers. The Southerners played a solid game, matching up upfront, some great D and some flamboyance on attack leading to a well-earned first victory of 21-0.
The second game of the day was played against RBAC which was a team that consisted of young quick Thais and one rotund import Maori. This was yet another physical game but with patience on defense and holding onto the ball on attack we were able to play some great running rugby. There were some decisive breaks made by the backs and some outstanding “seaguling” from the forwards. Points for banter were awarded to the four eyed ref for some of the worst calls ever made in a game of rugby. The Jean “le blue rage” Martial asking the ref “iz zer a ressoon zu is weearrring glasses” costing us 10m but providing some great amusement, and to a short angry Welshman for calling the Maori a useless rotund fornicator. At the final whistle Southerners were victorious 26-0
After two games the fatigue began setting in, during the quiet time of between-match hibernation at “HQ” it was nice to see the clubs favorite civil union bromance couple looking after each other, with Sod massaging Brett’s ass cheeks with his feet. Brett’s newly out of the closet state and his homo approved footwear made him seem like a much calmer and quieter man, luckily Zorba stepped in when Brett asked Sod for a reach around stating they were giving the backs a bad name – Really??
Two of the forwards not wanting to be outdone by this display of metro-sexuality and decided that topless wrestling would prove their “straightness” with Social Joe defeating Jean “White Flag” Martial
The time had arrived for our third and final game of the day with the Southerners determined to make it a clean sweep. What we weren’t expecting was a bunch of fit fast Thai’s, which is what we faced in our next game against the Thai Baa Baa’s. Unlike the sheep where their team name came from the Baa Baa’s wouldn’t follow the flock. They held onto the ball and attacked wide with plenty of pace on the outside. Some amazing chase down tackles were made (HM’s Seppo Scott). On attack despite some good work from Bleasy, Brett and Knot the Baa Baa’s were fast to the breakdown and won several turnovers.
With a disappointing 17-0 defeat to end the day, the Southerners gathered together and resolved to stay off the booze and women and be fresh for the next day. Unfortunately that resolve was shattered as we waddled into a blender of debauchery known as the fine session headed up by a northern monkey of a judge Andy “Man O” Steel.
The Court was brought to attention with the ever politically correct northern monkey politely asking the female contingent that had assembled to calmly vacate the premises/circle, after some difficult translation from northern mumblings to English we can quote “All you split arses (females) can fook off (please leave.)”Armed with this new found power and his newly appointed bitch El (the waterboy/tuk tuk driver), the judge wasted no time mixing up syringes of vile “turpentine like” concoctions and eagerly forcing his load down victims throats. A few HMs from the court session are as follows;
- Darrel and Bleasy turning up 20min late for the court session
- Beer Bitches – Kenta “the meat” beater, and “Mike” Tyson – wearing clothes under their nighties, Kenta’s worrying relationship to his bum bag, worst beer bitches in history, many empty glasses, confusion on when to buy more jugs and disappearing to chat up the Heineken girls whilst on a beer run.
- Zorba – taking 5 hot loads from the Northern monkey and losing all ability to converse in English so changed to talking in his native of errr, who knows…
- Dilli – Being the first to show his lunch on the grass and some homo erotic dancing with George
- George – As above
- Bleasy – chundering before Master Dan
- Dan – for taking so many loads to the face he thought he was a Japanese bukkake star (look it up Dan)
- Brett and Sod – Homoerotic fines.
After the session was done and the wounded stumbled away the evening grew hazy, the Southerners being the proud alcohol dependent individuals we are entered into the international boat race competition. This did not give us a desired result. All was going well with the Southerners ¼ of a cup ahead after the first two drinks, then came the unforeseen problem of George “the speed bump” Wilson who necks pints slower than a gagging granny. The rest of the night is blurry.
Well dawn the morning after “HQ” was empty with only flash back memories of the day before scattered throughout like a hallucinating dyslexic’s idea of modern art. The Southerners trickled into the ground with nutrition/recover programs well in hand in the form of isotonic drinks, burgers, plates of chips and the occasional chocolate bar. The festering jerseys of the day before were poured out of the bag with a scent that turned the hungover stomachs in the vicinity. Luckily with a northern monkey on hand to show us how laundry is done in that strange part of the world, Bleasy ripped out his can of Febreze and began fumigating! Props to the northern ginger.
The warm up for the first game of knock out competition started a prompt 15min before kick off, leaving just enough time for quad/gun flexing and make up for the backs and some face slapping and grunting from the forwards. Due to outstanding organizational skills we were to learn that once again we were to face the might of Dilis family by playing Bombay.
With the result of the previous day the team Bombay decided to drastically change their game plan by opting not to pass the ball at all. Apart from one quick try from Bombay our defense was solid, with some of the single southerners males taking the previous night’s blue ball frustration out on the Indians. Southerners were victorious by 21-5.
After the first game there was a fair bit of downtime before we found out who our next opponents were to be, this resulted in “HQ” looking like a scene from walking dead or some other gay zombie show as we hibernated ahead of our contest, a game against Brigalow Barbarians, a team from the boonies, in Australia.
Pre-game, Darrel as the ever efficient organizer checked the Brigalownians criminal records were up to date and ensured they had 11 fingers and 11 toes therefore qualifying them to play for an Australian side.
The Brigalow got off to a quick start, still pumped up from wining the previous night’s boat race, they dotted down an early try. Behind our posts licking our wounds our ever talkative ginger leader provided some inspirational chat which loosely translated to “they’re fooking pussies, smash ‘em” a moment to note as this is currently Bleasys longest team talk since taking over as captain. Whether it was due to Bleasys inspirational speech or due to the fact alcohol levels had stabilized, the switch went on with the rest of the game being a Southerners dominated affair, with Zorbas slogan of “keep the ball alive” put into action. The whole squad played fantastic with some of the best tries in the whole tournament scored in that game (a non-bias opinion obviously). So many HM’s in fact the whole squad, but Bleasy, Brett, Knot, “Mike” Tyson, Seppo Jake, Seppo Scott, Social Joe who all touched the ball during an awesome 60m try with a poetical “pre-planned” move. Southerners Victory 22-7
We had made it to the finals of the Bowl and with one game left the squad put thoughts of beer and women out of their minds to focus on the task at hand where we were to face Majlis Sukan Politeknik, a bunch of young “Roiders” from Malaysia. With the recent borderline warfare in mind the Southerners took the field for battle. Again we were a bit slow starting with the Malaysians dotting down in the first couple of minutes. Then after another chat from our chief ginger we went on the attack and were rewarded with a try shortly after the restart. It was a back and forth game with the Southerners being 7 points down at the end of official time. The ref had awarded the Malaysians a penalty 5m from touch, if the ball went dead the game was over, whether a result of years of steroid abuse or a result of the Malaysian education system we cannot ascertain but what happened next defies belief. The kick to touch was a beautiful spiral punt that drifted 50m downfield (in slow motion for all watching) and DIDN’T MAKE TOUCH! The Southerners determined to make this mistake count worked the ball downfield with controlled aggression being careful not to lose the ball, on the end of this build up, some single minded determination and skill from Bleasy darting round the fringes for a try with Brett converting to draw us even and into extra time.
With a few minutes of nail biting to begin extra time and Zorba chain smoking like the flair off an oil rigthe Southerners were hot on attack – The exact detains elude me and after hearing way too many different versions during the keg session at No Idea I’m sticking to my favorite – The forwards passed the ball between them stepping, fending and offloading through the entire Malaysian team to score the winning try leaving the backs clapping and touching up their hair. In reality it involved some freak skills between Brett and Bleasy involving kicking, catching and sidestepping to dot over for the victorious try. Southerners glory was sealed at 24-19 our man of the match being the Malaysians kicker.
A BIG HM’s to the H2O hydration technicians “Big Gay” El and “Curious” George they were there the whole weekend, supporting, running on much needed water to the lads on the field and generally helping out. This is what true team spirit is about lads, even if you’re not playing, injured, have VD or whatever your excuse is, get down, support and help out your mates, so well done to all the lads who showed great club spirit over the weekend.
The glorious evening began with prize giving and with some newly donated vile liquor we decided a court session should prevail, unfortunately with no one being assed to organize one Reed took it upon himself to crack open the bottles and pass them round for mandatory skulls – love your work.
HM’s for the evening
- ‘Merican Jim aka “whispering death” aka “tony” defeating Jean “white flag” Martial in yet another wrestling match.
- “Tony” collar wrestling with some aussies shirtless.
- Dilli – Hamstring wrestling with some aussies shirtless
- Rossco – Hitting on his ex booty calls auntie- to no avail
- Rossco – Hitting on some random white chick – to no avail
- Rossco – Going home with Dili while arranging a booty call to come to his place – interesting
- ‘Merican Joe – keeping pace till the end with his missus.
- “Mike” Tyson, Seppo Jake, Dazza and Ferret last Southerners at the ground and continuing on at Soi 11
- “Whispering death” and Saffa Jim creeping up on us at Soi 11 and continuing on.
- “Mike” Tyson – Claiming “I can drink whiskey like water” with such a bold call the Southerners contingent challenged that statement. The large ‘Merican proceeded to drink a good portion of a bottle before imploding like his countries search for WMD’s
All in all a great and punishing weekend was had by all, with some new “silverwear” making it back to Bleasy’s closet. Thanks to all those who helped organize, those who supported and those who played.
Written by: Ferret
Photos by: Kate and P’LoukTarn